I have at last come to a point in my maturity and sanity to choose to no longer carry the inside pain of an “excused” life.
In my younger years, I was a whole lot about agreeing to do things and planning things. Then, when the time would come for the pedal to hit the metal, I would falter and fade. I would let myself off the hook of my self-discipline. There would be a mealy-mouth reason that “kinda, sorta, maybe” made my not following through palatable to myself–and hopefully to others.
These not-doing-the-deal events would eat at my heart and soul. I would slam them down and slide away from my own perfidy with a gloss-over “this makes sense” mumble and just keep moving. I never clearly saw or clearly understood that I was creating a wobbly base of operations for me in my life.
It became easy to let myself off the hook of follow-through behavior because I actually believed my own excuses. But they always sat at my core rather like incubus worms ready to grow and crowd a clear-eyed conscience. Because, in the quiet part of me, where Robin met Robin, I knew that I was behaving in a half-fannied manner. And, I thought I was only hurting those around me, those who I had left to hold my bag or carry my load.
How wrong I was. When I did not live up to what was expected of me, I damned myself in a slithering quiet–one that I would smother with a “Well, so-and-so did the same thing . . .” I did not realize that those I had left waiting and wanting did not really care. They moved on without me and I was moving on without me as well. I was moving on with an excuse-scarred soul that was becoming ever weaker and more rot-ridden.
In recent years, I have come to fully understand that my behavior only reflects on me. I am the one that needs to keep my toe to the line–to suit up and show up. And, when I square my shoulders and put my big girl pants on, I am proud to look at the lady in the mirror. That lady in the mirror can now smile fully and completely at me with a wink of, “Hey, little one, you are doing the deal here! I like you and I love you.”
I believe we live in a world where we are allowing ourselves to slide and glide on excuses. We say, “I can’t help it. It is too hard. I couldn’t make it.” All of these are usually untrue and are the greasy words that allow us to slip away from our responsibilities to ourselves.
And it is that person–ourself–to whom we owe the most. It is that person that we can really not excuse. For if we excuse ourself? We then “excuse” ourself from showing up in our own life altogether!
Tags: an excused life, behavior only reflects on me, can't help it, couldn't make it, excuse-scarred soul, i believed my own excuses, i damned myself, it is too hard, lady in the mirror, let myselff the hook, maturity, maturity and sanity, my big girl pants, robin korth, rot-ridden soul, sanity, self-discipline, suit up and show up, wobbly base of operations
This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 20th, 2011 at 9:55 am and is filed under IOA Stories, Newsletter, Robin's Insights. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
